If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
