So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
