it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
