Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I think my moral compass just broke
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
