Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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