We're like a lot better than the average bears
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
it's great music for shaving your balls
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
