She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
