So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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