Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Randomize
