All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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