if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
