Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me