i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
