im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
