Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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