my phone needs a breathalizer
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
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there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
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Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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