Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
