Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
