Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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