she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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