but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
