Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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