it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Randomize
