Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
