I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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