i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
false alarm, still single
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
