and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
