last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
