What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
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