it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
