I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
