living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
