capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
