my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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