Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
