I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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