Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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