i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
