i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
