I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The dick lei will go down in squad history
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
