his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
