i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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