New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
