just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
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We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
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We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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