New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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