I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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