i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
