Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize