I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
two words...techno handjob
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
