Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
