What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
