you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
