last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Randomize
