Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
