I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
