i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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