happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
