There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
