On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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