bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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